As pastors, we often recognize our own hurt far too late, and we frequently tend to these wounds in silence, a practice I believe is harmful to our well-being. It's so important for us to openly and consistently address and attend to these wounds, seeking healing from our ultimate Healer.
REFLECTIONS
PAIN PART I
In this piece, I aimed to craft a path to navigate the intricate emotions entwined with my pastoral role. In this piece, I grapple with sorrow and occasional anger evoked by disrespectful and hurtful departures from the church. Furthermore, I explore feelings of unforgiveness provoked by perceived or actual injustices.
This piece embodies my personal struggle, a dialogue with God regarding the Korean concept of "억울해," encapsulating a sense of unjust suffering or grievance.
This art was a prayerful expression my endeavor to surrender my hurts to God and to release the burden of unforgiveness.
Forgiveness can't occur if you refuse to acknowledge what has been hurtful.
Rather than suppressing the hurts, the initial step towards liberation is acknowledging the trespasses and informing God about them.
PAIN PART II
But they aren’t the only ones who may have hurt people. Undoubtedly, pastors, like any other, can cause hurt. Yet, the pastoral experience of hurts differs a bit; it's like being shot at by a dozen arrows at once. These hurts, attacks, and accusations are not easily avoided. Sadly, for pastors, these arrows often hit their mark.
As pastors, we often recognize our own hurt far too late, and we frequently tend to these wounds in silence, a practice I believe is harmful to our well-being. It's so important for us to openly and consistently address and attend to these wounds, seeking healing from our ultimate Healer.
BEHIND THE SCENES PART I
For this piece, I took some time to sit in prayer so that I might gather the names of individuals who’ve hurt me in recent years since the pandemic.
I wrote their names, described what they said or did in detail, and then expressed how I felt about them. It was discomforting, to say the least. But amazingly enough, when expressed in front of God, the anger seems to transform into a gateway to forgiveness.
BEHIND THE SCENES PART II
I then had marks painted on me for each name I wrestled with.
We then went to a nearby open carwash. The kind that offroaders go to after trudging through rugged and unforgiving terrain.
The act of washing the marks off my body is a symbol of surrender and release. I also felt it necessary to be naked as I got “washed” in public because it mirrored the perpetual exposure of a pastor’s vulnerabilities and imperfections.
Our issues, scrubbed in the open, our deficiencies left to dry defenseless.
FINAL REFLECTION
Finally, this piece reminds me of the need for resilience and courage. I now recognize that I need to confront and heal from the burdens of unresolved emotions to shepherd better those who have remained. They deserve a pastor who is undistracted by the weight of unprocessed grief. Hence, this art/act marks my final release from the burdens of longing, hurt, and anger.
With that said, I now bid farewell.
“Goodbye, dear friends.”